his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
