Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
