I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
