Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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