i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
