did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
