I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
