I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
