ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
