I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
