I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
