So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
