jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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