You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
