Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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