Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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