im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was like eating out sand paper
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
