We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
