Your mouth is God's brothel.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
