just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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