pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
