I smell stomach acid.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
