Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
