i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize