hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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