remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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