highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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