her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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