Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
