the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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