i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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