forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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