all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize