My liver just broke up with me...
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
