And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
