last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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