also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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