His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
