He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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