i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You're like the curious george of whores
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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