I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
