Four minutes until I can fart!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
