Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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