Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
