i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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