My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
