Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
