You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
