Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
