We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
