I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
