whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
bring money and cleavage
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
