Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
