She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
