I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
