I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
