Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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