This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
