I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You're earring is so big in my mouth
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
