According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
