so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
two words...techno handjob
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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