Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
